7 Things I Have Learned From 30 Years of Christian Mentoring

When I was studying for a journalism degree I came up against a tough secular mindset from my lecturers and fellow students. In the course, the church was a free target to be mocked or bashed. In fact, the Dean of the course called me into his office for a welfare chat. He said he was aware that I was a Christian and suggested that if I wanted to remain a Christian I should drop out of the course. He told me it was impossible for any Christian to retain their faith in the course. “By the end of this course, you will either have left or no longer be a Christian,” he said. That felt like a challenge to me, but how was I going to sustain my faith? I decided to get myself a mentor. Trish was a year above me, and a Christian. I asked for her support, and to coach me on how to keep going in the face of spiritual opposition. Trish was generous and wise, and she helped me navigate the gulf between my studies and my faith. At graduation, I delighted in going up to the Dean and informing him that I was still a Christian.

I lost touch with Trish over the years, but then a chance encounter with a mutual acquaintance allowed me to track her down. I made a cautious phone call, told her my name and how important she had been to help me through my studies. I asked if we could meet up. She replied in the affirmative and the next day we met up in a café. She came in, sat down, gave me a searching look and told me something that broke my heart. “When you called, I simply could not remember your name, or even that I had mentored you. Then when you suggested meeting up, I was hoping that seeing you might jog my memory, but I honestly have no recollection. I’m sorry.”

How could someone who had so influenced me be unable to remember me?

When I overcame the ego bruising (surely, I am more memorable than that!) I realized that sometimes we unconsciously mentor others. Trish and I did not have a formal mentoring contract, but she had significantly influenced me through her words and modeling, without being aware of the extent of her impact on me. The reality is that we are all mentors to some degree. However, the influence could be so much greater if we were a little more intentional.

Whether or not she was conscious of her role, Trish inspired me to mentor others. Mentoring is part of the way I earn my income. I mentor for The Salvation Army and for Regent College in Vancouver, and I have many private clients. I believe that mentoring is a remarkably effective way of speeding up the formation of leaders—and particularly Christian leaders.

I have seen it happen through my mentoring: people moving to places of flourishing spiritually, in their relationship with others, and achieving more in their work. So let me share with you some of the key things I have learnt from 30 years of professional mentoring.

1. There is no single definition of mentoring, and there are many ways to mentor

This is a little bit controversial, because there are overlaps between mentoring and other much more cherished and defined terms such as discipleship, spiritual direction, coaching, or professional supervision.

The term comes from Greek mythology, when King Odysseus asked his trusted advisor Mentor to supervise his son Telemachus while he was away at the Trojan Wars.[1] However, there has been a shift over the last 30 years away from this concept of an older person mentoring a younger person, with practices such as peer mentoring and group mentoring, and a growing recognition that it is the mentee rather than the mentor who should have accountability in the learning process.

I prefer Australian John Mallison’s model of mentoring[2] with the Trinity in the middle of the relationship, and acknowledgement of different roles that the mentor might assume as they encourage the mentee: spiritual guide, coach, teacher, counselor, pastor, sponsor, model, and leader.

Sometimes my mentee has needed me to advise or encourage spiritual disciplines, or coach them in a skill, or teach them some theology, or counsel them through a hard time, or shepherd them, or sponsor them by giving them opportunities. I am always amazed at how much they pick up from what I have modeled, particularly as a leader. I remember Rochelle[3] whose spiritual framing of the gospel had been turned upside down through what she was learning in her Masters’ program at Regent. She needed me to shepherd her in her spiritual crisis, and to teach and affirm a broader view of the gospel with real world dimensions for flourishing. Then there was Len who was unexpectedly made redundant from a Christian charity, who needed me as a counselor before we could move on to our agreed leadership coaching material. It was a joy to co-write an article with one mentee, a way of sponsoring her into a new vocation of being a thought leader.

2. You don’t have to be an expert

The old model of mentoring sees the mentee as an empty glass, to be filled with the outflowing of the mentor’s wisdom. This can mean most people don’t feel ready to be a mentor. “Am I wise enough? Do I know enough? Am I experienced enough?” we might ask.

However, if the metaphor for mentoring is one of accompaniment, then we all have a role to play. It’s much healthier to see mentoring as walking alongside someone else for a period, with the chief goal of encouraging them.

I have mentored business leaders, church leaders, and thought leaders, not because I am an expert in business, ecclesiology, or academic disciplines, but because I can establish a trusting relationship, listen deeply, keep confidences and listen for the prompting of the Spirit. Sometimes I am most useful as a sounding board, a research assistant, or a prayer partner.

Lois Zachary, a business mentoring expert, talks about learning-centered mentoring which is much more of a partnership, with reciprocal benefits. In her model the mentor is not an authority but a facilitator of learning, and the mentee moves from passive receiver to proactive partner. The focus is less on content (knowledge) and more on process (critical reflection and application).[4]

3. You are partnering with God

In this accompaniment role, you are never alone as a mentor. Instead, you are partnering with God in seeking to support the mentee’s growth and learning. I would be a fool not to pray that God—who knows the mentee far better than I ever will (Psalm 139)—would prompt me to provide the words and example that the mentee needs. It is a privilege to partner with God to be someone to whom the mentee “dares to speak on terms of equality as to another self, one to whom the mentee can confess failings, and unblushingly make known what progress they have made in the spiritual life.”[5]

4. You are fulfilling the Great Commission

While we often think that the Great Commission is all about evangelism, Jesus tells us in Matthew 28:18–20 to “make disciples” and to “teach them to obey everything I have said.” Mentoring is a critical part of that formational process. Too often we think our responsibility ends with teaching beliefs to new believers, rather than teaching and modeling to Christians how to behave as Jesus-followers in all the contexts where God has placed us. Discipleship is a lifelong whole-of-life process.

5. Young people are desperate for it

In well-known research from Barna focused on why young people are leaving the church, part of the concern of young adults who were deconstructing was that they could not see how their faith was relevant to their lives. Further, they reported a lack of relationships within church that taught them wisdom.

In Faith for Exiles, Barna CEO David Kinnaman and co-author Mark Matlock outline the five practices for a new generation to engage as they follow Jesus:

• experiencing intimacy,
• being able to practice cultural discernment,
• forging intergenerational relationships,
• training for vocational discipleship, and
• engaging in counter-cultural mission.

All of these could be enabled through mentoring.[6]

6. The Bible is full of it

There are many models and commands for mentoring in the Bible. Among the models are:

• Jethro and Moses (Exodus 18)
• Moses and Joshua (Deuteronomy 31:1–8, 34:9) and Caleb (Numbers 13; 14:6–9; 34:16–19; Joshua 14:6–15)
• Samuel and Saul (1 Samuel 9–15), and David (1 Samuel 16; 19:18–24)
• Jonathan and David (1 Samuel 18:1–4; 19:1–7; 20:1–42)
• Elijah and Elisha (1 Kings 19:16–21; 2 Kings 2:1–16; 3:11)
• Naomi and Ruth (Ruth)
• Barnabas and Saul/Paul (Acts 4:36–37; 9:26–30; 11:22–30) and John Mark (Acts 15:36–39; 2 Timothy 4:11)
• Priscilla and Aquila and Apollos (Acts 18:1–3, 24–28)
• Paul and Timothy (Acts 16:1–3; Philippians 2:19–23; 1 and 2 Timothy) and Titus (2 Corinthians 7:6, 13–15; 8:17; Titus).

Of course, our primary model is Jesus and his disciples (see point 7); as well as Jesus and Mary and Martha (Luke 10, John 11).

Then there are biblical commands such as Paul’s exhortation to “imitate me as I imitate Christ” (1 Corinthians 4:16 cf. 11:1), and to “admonish one another with wisdom” (Colossians 3:16), as well as Hebrews 13:7: “Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you; consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith.” The Bible is an incredible reservoir of wisdom not just for the process of mentoring, but the content of mentoring. Ultimately, biblical wisdom is the best tool for shaping any human to be who they are meant to be in Christ, to do the work God has prepared in advance for them to do (Colossians 2:10).

7. Jesus is our model for it

The best model of a mentor is Jesus, who prayerfully chose his disciples (Luke 6:12–16), taught them, modelled holy living, sent them out and then debriefed them (Luke 10), prayed for them (John 17) and commissioned them (Matthew 28:18–20, Acts 1:8).

Unlike Jesus, not many of us get to be available 24/7 for our mentees (and we probably wouldn’t want to be), however, there is much to learn from Jesus’ mentoring methods, such as when he washed the feet of the disciples in John 13:1–17 (NIV). That biblical account reveals the Jesus way:

• Showing before telling (“he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him”),
• Gently correcting (“‘No,’ said Peter, ‘you shall never wash my feet.’ Jesus answered, ‘Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.’”),
• Teaching through asking questions (“Do you understand what I have done for you?”), and
• Finishing with application (‘Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet’).

Mentoring is an incredible privilege—to be invited to participate with God in the shaping of another’s life. There are not many more valuable legacies of investment of one’s time, experience, and knowledge. While the motivation for mentoring is always for the benefit of the mentee, there are many benefits I have experienced from mentoring.

I have learned as much as I have taught of the faithfulness of God, the depths of the riches of his love and wisdom, the incredible potential of humans to do good, and the terrible harm that we can inflict. I have had glimpses of my own failings and mixed motives. I remember one time I asked a mentee if we could shift from mentoring to friendship, and she recoiled, with a look of hurt and confusion on her face, “I don’t need another friend right now,” she told me fiercely, “I need you to be my mentor.” Of course, I immediately stepped back into that role. With another mentee, I struggled with his lack of listening and apparent response. I had to remind myself that I am not in control of the process, and the only person I can change is myself. I found out later that the mentee had been profoundly shaped through the experience.

Sometimes I am informed of the achievements of my mentees, but I will have to wait for the New Creation to see the full extent of my positive influence (and possibly my failings). Also in the New Creation, Trish might have a renewed awareness of the way that she mentored me!

[1] Read more in The Odyssey by Homer

[2] See Mallison, Mentoring to Develop Disciples & Leaders, available here for free.

[3] Names changed to protect identity.

[4] Zachary’s The Mentor’s Guide, written with her daughter Lisa Fain, is a classic.

[5] Aelred of Rievaulx’s Spiritual Friendship, is a wonderful resource. This excerpt follows his advice in Book I, ch. 6.

[6] See Kinnaman and Matlock, Faith for Exiles